I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
british sex workers really pound for pound
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack