Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
what does he know…
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Jurassic park gets weird
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant