idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
How to properly lift a body
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
spot the difference
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles