Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager