idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.