Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
your honor my client chooses dare
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.