Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria鈥檚 Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I鈥檒l be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Yup.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Listen, I鈥檓 all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.