idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Generation gap…
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house