Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Check your privilege
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.