Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Is this you?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?