IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I want to meet the individual who made this
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.