Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
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Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Finally, an explanation.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Stop sending me this shit.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.