Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
How dramatic are you?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”