idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Well, that didn’t work.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors