idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.