Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I unironically love this joke.
new shirt idea
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots