Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.