Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha