idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug