Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks