Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fixed it

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

i love modern commerce

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*