Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure