Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]