If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all