Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.