If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
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I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Best Halloween yard decorations 馃槀
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter鈥檚 room]: Yo, turns out grandma鈥檚 heart is weak af.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we鈥檙e learning the alphabet
kid: that鈥檚 easy
me: no it鈥檚 A-Z idiot
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
The bank says I can鈥檛 afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.