If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough