if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
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Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
new wife guy just dropped
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
