If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO