If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
You Might Also Like
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
socratic questions
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.