If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly