If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.