Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

The Backseat Boys

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

🇺🇸🤭

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.