If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
You Might Also Like
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Happy Febuary everyone!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!