If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*