If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”