IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Body by Oreos
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.