If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends