If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
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Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]