If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening