If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
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I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”