If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Weighing up my bread heating options
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Buying a well is money well spent.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping