If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point