If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler