If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
is nasa ok
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
yeah no that’s fair
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.