If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.


Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no


I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.


34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time


Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower


You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.


[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed