If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…