If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?