If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.