If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
this isn’t threatening at all
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.