If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys