If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.