If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
You Might Also Like
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.