If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Social distancing in Australia:
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
dam girl
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.