If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.